- Part 1: Grenadine, the Vodka Vixen, the Queen of Cointreau, the Princess of Pinot, the Duchess of Drambuie, etc., henceforth referred to as The Hostess, is in charge here. She came up with this idea, she figured out how to go about it, it is her deal, and what she says goes. Period.
- Part 2: The print version of the December 2006 San Francisco AT&T Yellow Pages, henceforth referred to as The Book, is the text of record for this endeavor and will be deferred to all instances. These instances shall include, but not be limited to, misspellings and strange inclusions of leading articles in alphabetization.
- Part 3: Bar closure contingencies
- Article 1: Every effort will be made to ascertain that the next Bar in The Book will be open for business on the appointed day, at the scheduled time.
- Article 2: Bars found to be inexplicably closed for private parties — Article 1, Part 3, Chapter 1 notwithstanding — shall be soundly cursed and the Official Visit thereto will be rescheduled by The Hostess. If such an irritating closure is encountered when the following Bar is already scheduled, the closed Bar re-visit will take place instead of the following one, so as to maintain alphabetical order.
- Article 3: Bars discovered to be closed permanently before their turn to be visited shall be struck from the List and be removed from inclusion in this particular peregrination.
- Article 4: Bars that are otherwise not open at the appointed day and time will be assessed on a case-by-case basis for suitability as a continued Setting for this project. Such assessment will be entirely at The Hostess’ discression and her decision will be posted here as forthwith as she finds expedient. UPDATE: In the case of such an irritating closure, Permanent Plan B will go into effect. Permanent Plan B entails all participating Barflys proceeding directly to Breezy’s — that establishment having been disqualified as per this very Article — and the owner’s subsequent kind invitation of The Hostess to the eventual Grand Opening party, which her busy social schedule prevented her from attending (alas).
- Article 5: UPDATE: If a Bar is found to be closed — for whatever reason — but The Hostess manages to cajole, sweet-talk, or bribe her way into the Bar, and then also arranges to have a Bar employee sell her — and any attending Barfly(s) — at least one drink, then the Official Visit will be deemed an unqualified success (see: Club Mari-S).
- Article 6: A natural disaster or terrorist attack will trump any scheduled Bar visits. Barflies who can get to the scheduled Bar(s) — if it/they is/are open — are encouraged to do so, in the interests of capitalism and the American way (not to mention support for alcoholism’s triumph over adversity) , but there is no guarantee that The Hostess will be there herself. Barfly credit will be granted to all who attended during whatever chaos was reigning; another official visit will be scheduled as described in Article 4, Part 3, Chapter 1; and the troupers who attended the originally scheduled event will not have to re-attend to get Barfly credit.
- Part 1: Barfly Registration, refer to “The Cast of Characters” page.
- Part 2: Qualification for Barfly credit
- Article 1: A Barfly must visit each Bar on the appointed date, at or about the scheduled time. Latecomers should refer to “The FAQs” page to receive credit.
- Article 2: A Barfly must take responsibility to make sure The Hostess realizes she/he is there. In case the place is crowded, or in case she is already intoxicated enough that her short-term memory may be impaired, the onus is on the Barfly to impress his or her presence on The Hostess.
- Article 3: A Barfly must purchase a drink at the designated Bar. In the interests of avoiding drunk driving, this drink need not contain alcohol, but that is up to you (not to mention strange, as in: what are you doing there?). Barflies do not need to become intoxicated, but do need to do more in terms of patronizing the establishment than simply walk in and take up a barstool.
- Article 4: A Barfly must arrive at the designated Bar with the wherewithal to purchase his or her own drink(s). This can, of course, include bringing along a slightly more flush friend. The Hostess will attempt to ascertain a Bar’s payment peccadillos, and include these in the Visit Announcement, but $20 in cash can’t hurt. Do not expect the Hostess to buy you drinks (see “The FAQs” page, #11).
- Article 5: The Hostess will do her best to schedule around any irritating cover charges, but we do not want to get too lackadaisical about this labor of libation and may have to sometimes suck it up, so to speak, in the service of the Big Picture. It may help to keep in mind that all the so-called classic works of literature do contain a certain degree of drama and strife.
- Article 6: All Barflies must tip any applicable bartenders, cocktail servers, waitressess, waiters, etc. This means anyone who puts a drink in front of you gets money. Do not be stingy. This mission does not need any bad rap from tightwads.
- Part 3: Barfly Ettiquette
- Article 1: Barflies will adhere to the provisions of Articles 1 – 6, Part 2, Chapter 2 as outlined above. Any Barfly wishing to do otherwise should refer to Part 1, Chapter 1.
- Article 2: Barflies will be respectful and courteous to all Bar employees, other Bar patrons, each other, and The Hostess at all times, although not necessarily in that order.
- Article 3: Barflies who smoke will not, under any circumstances, dispose of cigarette butts on the sidewalk either in front of, or anywhere in the vicinity of a Bar. Any Barfly caught being so egregious will have Barfly status immediately revoked. The litterbug Barfly will be given the option of a reprieve if, and only if, he or she agrees to pick up every identifiable cigarette butt on the sidewalk in front of the Bar, and the adjacent establishments on either side of it. This clean-up effort must be done on the spot, and without complaining. Its purpose is to impress upon one and all the importance of the proper disposition of smoking refuse.
- Article 4: Barflies will make alternate arrangements to get themselves home if they feel they have over-indulged in the liquid festivities. All participants at Bar visits, whether officially registered as Barfies or not, are encouraged to drink in moderation. The Hostess does not condone either drunk driving, or obnoxious drunken behavior in Bars. All participants are urged to remember that Bars By The Book is not about getting drunk in every Bar, but in having a drink in each one, in an orderly — alphabetical and otherwise — fashion.
Chapter 3…………………………………………………………………….Literary Criticism
- Part 1: Comment Guidelines
- Article 1: Comments should be kept brief and relevant.
- Article 2: Comments should not be used as a means to convey suggestions to The Hostess. Suggestions should be e-mailed to the Hostess directly so as not to clutter up the blog, and/or bore anyone with the theories of the suggester.
- Article 3: Comments referring to specific participants, including The Hostess, shall not contain last names. While Bars By The Book is a most worthy endeavour, and will be a memorable achievement indeed, it can not be assured that current or future employers will agree with this assessment. Sadly.
- Part 2: Comment Warning
- Article 1: The comments feature is enabled at The Hostess’ discretion and will be restricted or turned off completely if the Comment Guidelines specified above in Articles 1 – 3, Part 1, Chapter 3 are not followed.
- Article 2: See Article 1, Part 2, Chapter 3 again. Truly.
(Should any more rules become necessary, they will appear here, but let’s try and comport ourselves in a manner which will render this a blank chapter, shall we?)