Well, I’m still alive, apparently. Go figure. I’m just as surprised as you might be about this fact, I assure you. But a patriotic American such as myself cannot let this quintessentially American holiday pass by without due diligence, so I offer sincere thanks for the following:

  • 1. Vodka, champagne, and the fact that you can put vodka in champagne, to a damn tasty effect.
  • 2. The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade — which I try never to miss — and which is even better whilst drinking any and all of the above-mentioned beverages.
  • 3. Secret admirers and old flames who — underwhelming as they may turn out to be — are no more disappointing than any other men are.
  • 4. Xanax, Vicodin, and Lorazepam — separately, of course, although also especially nice when combined with the already-appreciated beverages.
  • 5. The Horrible Holidays have finally commenced, so I can now look forward to them being over, which is a nice change from my usual just dreading their arrival.
  • 6. You — if you are someone I know who is reading this — with the exception of one particular individual who, if you wonder for even a fraction of a moment if it’s you, it is definitely not you.
  • 7. Bars that are open on Thanksgiving — my personal post-parade plan. You should swing by. After all, if no one goes to bars that are open on Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving, they might stop being open on Thanksgiving, and then…where will you go if there comes a time when you have nowhere else to go on Thanksgiving?
  • Obviously, I could use some help thinking of other things for which to be thankful. Right now, however, I’ve got to go cube the cornbread I just made for my (should-be)-world-famous stuffing, but you know where to find me after the parade ends, and there’s plenty of time between then and dinner for a cocktail…or six.  It might not be traditional to go to a Bar on Thanksgiving, but to that The Hostess would just say: “yet“.

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